The 1st Invisible dot
Surely it wasn’t a big deal at the time. And it seemed that your significant other was standing up for or being supportive of you. Reach back in your memory and Ask yourself:
- early on in our relationship did my significant other say ( or do) something offensive to who they thought was my ” best friend” or my closest family; and my ” best friend” decided they didn’t like, or couldn’t trust, or wonder why I liked my significant other?
If so, did I feel that my ” best friend” didn’t understand that my ” significant other” didn’t mean to be offensive; that’s just how my significant other is- having little social skills.
Did my ” best friend” reach out to me, and continue to reach out to me to connect and I brushed them off? Did I start to feel that my ” best friend” didn’t understand, and they weren’t acting in my best interest, but selfishly focusing on their needs to see me?
Eventually, did my ” best friend” stop reaching out?
It may be sometime after, or simultaneously, did my significant other start taking the place of my ” best friend”, and I started to confide and rely on them?
When I had disagreements, misunderstandings, or fights with my family did my ” significant other side with me? Did they encourage me to work it out with my family, or did they encourage me to pull away in any way and to think for myself, enforce my independence, avoid my family or suggest in any way that my family didn’t have my very best interest at heart?
These are the first ” invisible dots” that you won’t and didn’t see.
Love is restorative.
Unless you had felt very strongly prior to meeting your significant other that your ” best friend” and your family were abusive to you, then even though your significant other seemed to be supportive, what they were doing was isolating you for their own needs.
There are people who for whatever reason that is uniquely their own, love in only a controlling manner and they use manipulation to control and ( they believe) ensure a stable, secure, loving relationship for themselves and you. I don’t care what reason they give you for being this way – and they will say things from Aspergers Syndrome to lack of social skills, to any other number of reasons at first ( and I say at first because eventually, they will say they are not the problem, but you are). Please trust me on this.
Did they have a ” best friend” who was in a relationship with before you and that ” best friend” severely broke their heart because they wouldn’t follow their lead, or take their advice? And they had to leave the relationship, and was devastated over it? These people tend to seem to wear their heart on their sleeves and to be very sensitive to “heartbreak” when they are rejected, or their advice is not taken. You will empathize with them to build them up.
Ask yourself: does my significant other typically have close heartfelt relationships where they are sensitive to others needs, wear their heart on their sleeve, are transparent, open and vulnerable to others, rushing to tend to others’ needs, or do they tend to not care what other people think about them?
The 1st invisible dot(s) you didn’t see is that you became isolated from people whom you trusted, who you could trust, who knew you, who would be your sounding board, give you your perspective back to you, which would be a perspective different from your ” significant other”, but based on who they knew that you are because they loved and “had your back”.
SILENCE IS AGREEMENT
This was the strategy:
If I reveal a confidence, blame or accuse person “A” ” on what seems, “the behalf” of person “B”, and I don’t immediately say ” go work this out”, I have created division. I am causing the person “A” to not trust person “B”. Person “A” may never confront “B”. This is triangulation. It is controling. There is no other purpose for it.
An example of this may be ” you hurt them”, or ” they don’t like you, or can’t trust you “.
Did my significant other say it in front of me? You may have been taken off guard when they said it. It seemed they were defending you, standing up for you. But unless they followed it up with ” work this out” it was meant to be divisive.
SlLENCE IS AGREEMENT
So, when you didn’t say anything, even if it was because you didn’t know what to say, your friends and family were told to move far away from you by your significant other, and you agreed. You inadvertently enforced the isolation.
This was planned by your significant other. I am sorry to say that. I know they “love you”, but they planned to isolate you. and you need to leave this kind of “love”. It will destroy you.
LOVE is restorative, Love respects.
But I made a commitment
You are strong and abundantly loving, the kind of person who does not give up on someone. Who honors their commitment. You do the right thing, even if it hurts you.
You were chosen by your significant other for this reason.
They know you will stay. They ” can not love” people that are not like you.
Other people don’t stay. Other people aren’t as strong or giving as you. They demand respect and will not put other people ahead of their own needs.
Maybe you believe that you have to put someone else’s needs ahead of your own to this extend. You do not. You deserve more respect, you deserve to be wrong and to have it overlooked, over and over again. And your relationships with people deserve respect.
Maybe you believe that your significant other and you are compromising and learning the give and take of a relationship.
Ok, this may be the case. Ask yourself Dot 1 and 2 again: does my significant other support my other relationships? Or are they saying or doing something that is or has caused me to question or doubt those people that I once knew absolutely had my back and loved me?
At first, your significant other will only make you doubt other people. And, only some people. they will accuse your family and friends of doing exactly what they are doing- controlling, trying to come between you two, taking advantage of you or that your friends or family did not, has not, or is not respecting you.
This is how your significant other will treat them:
They will not treat your family with respect. Will deflect and not engage in conversation to completely, emotionally resolve any conflict. Will not openly share accomplishments and struggles with them. In short, will not be an actual friend or member of the family. Your significant other doesn’t need to, they know they don’t plan on having those people around for long.
This doesn’t mean they won’t be friendly sometimes- especially if engaged with them about something that is to your significant other’s advantage. This doesn’t make your significant other mean, or bad… just controlling. Not capable of loving without control. If they could they would do that from the start and there would have been no division. They would have loved from the start and every day as if LOVE IS RESTORATIVE. LOVE IS KIND. LOVE IS NOT ARROGANT.
It is not your fault. It was kept from you on purpose. It is a slow process. You could not have seen it nor understood. You could not have known. Leaving is not quitting. Leaving is not failure. Leaving is the only way to save yourself and your family from the cruelty that controlling love creates.
I know because my mother experienced the cruelty of it when I was trapped for 5 years…waiting for me to figure it out and watching me suffer.
The people who are not a threat to your signifcant other, you will be able to keep a relationship with them. These will be people that don’t really know the ” real you”. Someone that you don’t completely share yourself with. This may be a “friend” whom you support, but with whom you do not share yourself completely, someone who is not capable of risking everything to have your back. You will get to keep the people that you can’t trust 1000%.
There will be a pattern. If you don’t believe me, take notes. In fact, PLEASE, I BEG YOU TAKE NOTES. You will absolutely doubt everything you think one day and you will need it written down to prove to yourself.
Your significant other may have kept notes on you or the ” offenses” other people did to you, or you did to them. This was for control to prove how wrong they or you are.
This is not what you are doing. You are writing your own perceptions, what was said to you, how you felt, and what you said or did next, and then what they did or said. Think of this as a movie script.
While your significant other once said they valued above all else that you would do anything for other people, If they haven’t already, then soon, they will make sure you give little of yourself to the people who were once very, very close to you that you know you could always count on. They are slowly changing who are you. It may be ” of course we can” and then something comes up; or we don’t have time right now.
They are taking the ability for you to love, kind, thoughtful, and be generous with other people away from you. They have to do this rather slowly and they will do somethings that seem very out of their way ( especially at first) or might say of course we can do this or that and then postpone it, because if they did it faster you would be on alert.
And they may allow ( by allotting enough time or money) to do the occasional thing because it is vital to them that they appear to other people as a “giver and all-around nice guy”.
It may be because someone doesn’t agree with him, doesn’t take his advice, it is annoying to spend his time or money on those people. Again, they won’t take everyone away from you- just the ones you know would have your back.
As you lose the other people in your life, you will start to lose yourself. At first, you won’t notice it, but other people may point out that you seem to be changing your mind about everything, or ” shutting down” or ” shutting them off”.
Sh-t will hit the fan for you. It may be every 10-12 weeks, 6-8 weeks, or 14-16 weeks.
The pattern will be:
Master, Saviour, Victim
Then it will repeat.
EMOTIONALLY THEY ARE TWO PEOPLE:
DISTANT, WITHDRAWN ” FRIEND ZONE”
& ATTENTIVE, LOVING, and PLAYFUL
Master will be seen by others as arrogant. You may have seen it as confidence, but someone at some point has mentioned to you that they were, or are, arrogant.
You may have even recognized at one point that ( for some reason) you felt inferior to them.
Master may not be physically abusive. He may ask you what you want, want to do, or let you make decisions for yourself.
Master may be soft-spoken, but there is determination and force in the eyes and tone ( like you would speak to a misbehaving child).
He will most likely be calm. And he will not discuss anything too far, if at all.
If you give your opinion, you will feel he thinks you are wrong.
If he agrees… just wait. He is buying his time to bring the issue up again and enforce it another time. He is letting you have false sense of respect. This is why I beg you to take notes.
You are being this way or that way- stop it!
The force of emotion will at first ( until you are accustomed to it) take you by surprise. The level of emotion will be disproportionate to the “offense” or how you were speaking or what the issue at hand is. You will think- ” what just happened?” ” was I being____?” ” what did I do? ” what did I do wrong?”
For instance, you accidentally break something. They will fly off the handle even if it is minor and fixable, and it was of little value. The emotion and scolding were not actually about the break. It was to condition you. In most cases, it will be followed by a change in their demeanor that is playful and acts as if nothing just happened. You said something off the cuff and got called out on the carpet for it.
Eventually, you will notice ( if your friends, or family as still around) that they will act this way with them. Blasting them one day, and acting as if they like them and nothing happened the next time they see them, without any apology or explanation.
Ask yourself: do they act this way with their family, their friends?
Ask yourself: did people think the way you talked was rude before you met your significant other? Did others enjoy talking to you the way you talked before ? Did people really like you? Did you get along with almost everyone? Did you feel you had a voice to stand up for how you felt, and your own perspective?
You will start to lose yourself. Please leave.
You can not love this, you can not change or submit enough, you can not be ” good enough” or do enough of the ” right thing”
Please leave now before you are too damaged. Eventually, you will see. But it will take you so long to trust yourself again if you stay.
It won’t be good for you unless you trust me- maybe a bit less calm.
apologizing and the crying…
I wish I had an answer for you other than leave. If you can leave when you first notice that you don’t know, aren’t sure, or questioning what is going on, or what you did that was wrong.
There will NEVER be a day that you are sure. There will NEVER be a day that you won’t doubt. The fact that you ARE doubting and not sure is a clear sign. Remember- you are the one that is lovable, strong, capable, you can handle things. The fact that you are not sure what is going on and what happened and that your aren’t sure if you can trust your family , or friends… that is all the proof you need that the dots are there, but invisible.
Couples therapy will not help, but will harm you.
If your significant other is respectful to and of your friends and family that you ( at least before him) knew they love you, if he wants you to spend alone time with them without him around… that is the difference.