LOVE IS RESTORATIVE. LOVE IS KIND. LOVE IS NOT ARROGANT. LOVE DOES NOT KEEP AN ACCOUNT OF WRONGDOING. LOVE GIVES YOU INNER PEACE. LOVE BUILDS RELATIONSHIPS. LOVE ENCOURAGES. LOVE MAKES YOU MORE CONFIDENT IN WHO YOU ARE. LOVE FILLS YOU WITH JOY. LOVE TRUSTS YOU TO MAKE YOUR OWN MIND. LOVE DOES NOT INSIST IN ITS OWN WAY. LOVE IS PATIENT FOR YOU. LOVE TAKES NO OFFENSE. LOVE IS LONGSUFFERING WITH OTHER’S FAULTS. 

LOVE FORGIVES ALL THINGS.  LOVE DOES NOT CAUSE CONFUSION or DOUBT. 
LOVE DOESN’T DRIVE YOUR FRIENDS OR FAMILY AWAY.

 

HELPFUL HINT: Do not attempt to discuss it with your significant other.
When you are trying to calm yourself down after experiencing unacceptable behavior, remind yourself that they act this way because it is literally how they are wired, and not because of anything you did or did not do. Repeat this phrase in your head: “It doesn’t matter if they get it. I get who they are and what’s important is that I will no longer allow myself to be treated this way.” If you find yourself want to argue that something about your relationship wasn’t or isn’t fair, remind yourself that the concept is meaningless to them and that this is yet another reason the fairest thing you can do for yourself is to move on. Do not apologize to them in an attempt to reason with them, to get on the same page, or because you think they will then apologize in kind. This will only backfire on you.

 

Please know, the longer a person is involved with invisible dots, the more damage is done to the person’s self-confidence, their esteem, and even their perception of reality. That does not heal quickly, sometimes never. A victim of these invisible dots will be abused at a soul level, comparable to a prisoner of war, a rape victim, a hostage; they can probably not even adequately describe what they have been through. In many cases, as a part of their attempts at survival, they have blocked much of the abuse or minimized it.

This is “survival mode”. have you found yourself blocking, minimizing, putting aside, and moving forward, or pretending things weren’t done or said, because they are overwhelming,  or simply can not accept how horrible the situation is.

Once you are away from the dots, and the dangerous emotions and memories will come flooding back. Your brain needs to acknowledge and accept what happened in order to start the healing process. It might be necessary for you to relive some events over and over again. 

I know because it happened to me. It is best you leave early on. Trust that something is not right and leave.

A woman in this type of relationship leaves an average of 7 times before leaving for good. As long as he can make her feel that she has some power to change things she will go back. The reality is you have to leave. Leaving early on is best for recovery.

Many people leaving a relationship with these invisible dots suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and should get help from a professional for that, someone who is familiar with the effect on the victims.

 

Adults are independent. We choose to and spend time with people we love. We tend to spend (or want to spend) time with our significant other more than other people. This is normal. In fact, I love that some couples now work from home, and homeschool, because they get to spend lots of time together. It makes for a tight-knit family! 🙂 On the other side, some family members just don’t get along, so they don’t spend much time together.

 

Invisible Dots =CHANGE. If you have experienced a change in your relationships, that you hadn’t expected or desired, there may be invisible dots.

THERE ARE NO INVISIBLE DOTS IF:

• your significant other is respectful to, and of, your friends and family. 
• you are encouraged to spend alone time with your friends and family without him around and he is happy about it.
• your significant other respects you and wants you to be the same person you were towards your friends and family that you were before you met him

click “Learn more” below to go to more outside information about the 2nd Dot.

Once the honeymoon/love-bombing phase begins its dismal decline, then starts blaming your relationship problems on your outside influences, which may include:  parents, grandparents, siblings, other extended family, exes, best friends, and even children. Learn more

 

Your family’s therapist will actually tell them to LEAVE YOU, so you can be even MORE ABUSED, so you can “one day” figure out that you are being abused. Your family’s therapist and other friends will tell them ” she’s smart”, “she’ll figure it out.”. All the while you won’t know. YOU CAN’T SEE THE DOT’S.

I know how painful this will be for you one day when you figure it out and know your family did see it and didn’t rescue you. But, honestly they most likely really tried and you wouldn’t listen, you pushed them away. I know because I did  and 25 years later I still wished my mother had rescued me. I would have had a different life if she had not let me push her away. BUT IT WASN’T MY MOTHER’S FAULT.

And your family will die inside quietly watching you not know what’s actually happening.THEY DON’T KNOW YOU CAN’T SEE THE INVISIBLE DOTS. They can ONLY WATCH YOU SUFFER and get more confused as you push your family away, pretend nothing is wrong, as you try to figure it out.

If you voice concerns about how your family is acting towards you after this, a significant other who is using emotional manipulation to control you

will tell you that you need to give them a break and time- that they are just trying to figure things out.

Effectively, this is more emotional manipulation now aimed towards you to tell you that you are a bad friend, daughter, sister, brother, etc, because you aren’t empathizing with your family’s need for space. Or they might tell you that it is more proof that you can’t really trust your friends or family. You might be thinking ” seriously?”.  Yes, seriously. 

This was planned by your significant other. I am sorry to say that. I know they “love you”, but they need to isolate you, and to control you. You need to leave this kind of “love”. It will destroy you. It will destroy your friends and family to watch it happen.

 

Master    Saviour   Victim

  The goal is for you to lose trust in yourself, your feelings, and your perceptions so you can’t live without them
and you can’t protect yourself. 

MASTER: EMOTIONALLY THEY ARE TWO PEOPLE: DISTANT, WITHDRAWN, ” FRIEND ZONE”, APATHETIC    and  SUPER ATTENTIVE, LOVING, and PLAYFUL. 

                      

Ask yourself: if you were ( kindly) pointing out a flaw in a friend ( for their benefit) would you do so in front of other people? Would you soften it or would you say it critically? Master will say it because the person you respect will probably not know what to say, and so it will appear that Master has the agreement of others. And Master’s words will carry the added weight of the person you respect also, by their unintended silence.

If you were ( kindly) pointing out a flaw in a friend ( for their benefit) would you be concerned that you might have offended them? Master will not be concerned about your (or anyone else’s feelings). Master is looking to get a reaction. If Master doesn’t get a button-pushing reaction, or he can’t read your expression, Master will ask how you feel with a ” now” at the end. ” Are you mad, now“? ” Are you hurt, now”? Ask yourself: would you say: ” Did I hurt you? Did I make you mad? Are we ok? If you cared about the person would you say ” are you mad now?” ” Are you hurt now“? The now makes is mocking, doesn’t it? It takes away the right of the Masters’ victim to be hurt, mad, or to own ( any justifiable ) feelings at all… because Master is right.

Master uses the “negative surprise”:  an exaggerated emotional force that is not in line with the minor offense. It may be a yell, or simply the use of the juxtaposition of a stern facial expression with a soft controlled voice. The purpose is to take you off guard, elicit confusion, so you can not process emotions and words at the same time, and you will more easily succumb to trust Master without question. 

Master will also do “intellectual bullying” by having you presume them to be the expert and most knowledgeable in certain areas or have gained expert knowledge that you have not by asking others with superior credentials. Think of this as ” 9 out of 10 dentists agree”. There is no way for you to fact-check and you will trust their expertise. They will indeed make you feel inferior. They might say “that’s not what you said, no, you said this“ and they will hold you to each specific word you uttered. ( You will start to think you don’t know how to talk anymore so that people understand you.) You need to understand. You need to change. You need to see it, right. This is the right way to feel about that. You aren’t looking at it right. You are wrong. I know how to do this. I have the best advice. I have superior knowledge/asked the experts. If you want this, then this is how you should do it, or say it, when you do it with me, or say it to me. Are you happy now? (when something bad happens.) See what you’ve done? When something bad happens)

 

Master will also be the one that says  ” I don’t have to justify”, or “ why do I have to justify” or ” I don’t owe them an explanation” and ” they do the same thing” to other people.

Normal restorative relationships are messy. There is a significant difference between presenting objective facts for the purpose of problem-solving, versus utilizing biased and/or covert information for the purpose of manipulation. People ask, share, argue, respect, and debate, and then come to an understanding that is intellectually and emotionally mutually satisfying. People question others’ ” this is whys” and ” let me explains” and share their ” this is whys” and “let me explain” and learn from each other, or learn where to disagree.

Ask yourself:  Did my friends and family accept me for all my faults and love me and not point them out to me? Did my friends and point my faults out to me lovingly in private or in the safety of others that cared about and supported me. Did I handle other people kindly, with compassion and strength before I met my significant other?  Why am I thinking I’m doing something wrong?

 

What’s the difference between Master and a Parent? Not much on the surface. A Parent disciplines, trains, and instructs for the most part. A good Parent does it lovingly and with respect without intentionally making a child feel inferior, or foolish; for the purpose of the grown child being a self-directed adult. A good parent won’t make a child feel small in front of people they respect. 

If you are not a child then you are most likely capable of self-improvement. If your significant other’s words feel similar in words and actions to your parent, be warry. Significant others support your self-improvement and self-identity to sharpen their own. They will not sound much like your parent. You might argue with them because you have your own mind until you decide on compromises. And it will be messy and hard. A significant other trusts the heart of their mate, they do not train it. They become one with them by coming to understand the other and melding themselves into the other. The two to become one, not changing the other to have one mind- theirs. If there is to be one mind, perhaps both should aspire to become in the likeness of the mind of their mutually agreed higher power, or the established mutually agreed values and standards.

Ask yourself:
1. Have I been ignoring the sinking feeling in my gut and rationalizing it away?
2. Does it “logically” make sense that my family or I am, to blame for the relationship’s problems but it still feels like there’s something hinky going on? (Logically is in quotes because it’s faulty logic that omits some things while highlighting others)
3. Do I feel like that confident no-bullshit person I was is trickling through my fingers and where I once said I would speak up, I’ve come to learn I can’t about somethings?

 

 

EXCESSIVE VERBAL FORCE:
You are being this way or that way- stop it! 

The force of emotion will at first ( until you are accustomed to it) take you by surprise. The level of emotion will be disproportionate to the “offense” or how you were speaking or what the issue at hand is. You will think- ” what just happened?” ” was I being____?” ” what did I do? ” what did I do wrong?”

For instance, you accidentally break something. They will fly off the handle even if it is minor and fixable, and it was of little value. The emotion and scolding were not actually about the break. It was to condition you. In most cases, it will be followed by a change in their demeanor that is playful and acts as if nothing just happened.  You said something off the cuff and got called out on the carpet for it. 

Eventually, you will notice ( if your friends, or family as still around) that they will act this way with them- The only people they won’t act this way with is someone they want to respect from, or are at least a little intimidated by. Your significant other will blast someone one day, and act as if they like them and nothing happened the next time they see them, without any apology or explanation. 

Ask yourself: do they act this way with people they respect and want to have a relationship with?

Would they act this way in front of the kindest and most gentle of their friends’ parents? If not, then they know they are not being kind.

Did people think the way you talked was rude before you met your significant other?

Did others enjoy talking to you the way you talked before?
Did people really like you?

Did you get along with almost everyone?

Did you feel you had a voice to stand up for how you felt, and your own perspective? 

You will start to lose yourself. Please leave.
You can not love this, you can not change or submit enough, you can not be ” good enough” or do enough of the ” right thing” 

Please leave now before you are too damaged. Eventually, you will see. But it will take you so long to trust yourself again if you stay. 

 

Master will blame you for them attacking you.
Master will mock you for reacting.

VICTIM: they didn’t do anything wrong.

Victim will sometimes emphasize their point with tears. My “Victim” would do this when ” caught ” in a place that he didn’t understand where his point of control lay, because knew I would put myself back in my place. He might have seen my ” button” but didn’t yet understand what my weakness was in it.

When this happens, ask yourself: are they usually empathetic towards others? Do they feel and associate with your pain, hurt, or disappointments with tears? Do they always soften when they see you are hurting, and stay soft until they see you fully restored? Do they avoid saying or doing things that will hurt others? Do they quickly sincerely apologize when they say something that is out of line, and make necessary changes with all people?

If they do not, they are not “sensitive” and in need of rescuing. The tears are most likely:

1.  to get you to react, to **open up to share softly how you feel instead of blasting them ( remember they saw your button pushed- you reacted negatively and they didn’t know your weakness to get you to stand down),
2. to comfort them when they are in danger of being scolded by you and they don’t yet know how to manage you in that area.

An example might be they were taken by surprise ( the Master’s tactic above ) that you reacted very angry about something they thought they had you convinced about.

Ask yourself: Did I get very angry and blow up about something they said or did, and then I saw Victim cry and seek my help?

In this case, you will almost always see tears and a cry for help. The “what should I, or we do” makes you talk so you feel heard, validated, and calm yourself down.

You will come to recognize that they do not open up and talk as much as you do. They are gathering your point of power to use it against you later. For now, you are satisfied and the potential crisis was avoided simply by you feeling validated, understood, and heard.

You feel so good because they asked you what to do. You had the answer and they took it in. At the end, you were no longer upset and they didn’t do anything.  Another version of this without tears is ” what can I do” or ” do you want to go to counseling”. This is the same question. It is asking you to come up with a solution. You work it out in your head, you provide the solution, and you end up smoothing everything over, reassuring yourself and them that everything will one day be ok. 

I went on for 3 years of the 5 until I realized I was the one doing the talking and nothing changed. I talked, he cried and listened, I felt better, repeat.

Victim comes in three forms:

• They suffer and you are the knight or dame

Please won’t you, or I can’t believe you can’t, don’t, or won’t: care, love, see, listen to, trust, believe in, understand, help me. You know I’m a better person because of you. What will I do? What are we going to do?  and

 

• You are the cause of their suffering.

You just don’t understand. I’m trying so hard. After all, I’ve done, you don’t appreciate me. When will it be enough? Won’t you give me any credit?  What are we going to do? But I count on you. You know I need you. You are overreacting. You are so emotional. You are over-sensitive. I can’t talk to you when you are this emotional, or when you are like this. It’s your fault. You didn’t even thank me/ appreciate that I did ( for something you didn’t want). You get unreasonable. You (get) hard to live with. I can’t be better if you don’t tell me. Whose fault is it? Why would you hurt me like this? You know I love you. You know I think you are pretty. You know I care about you. You know I support you. It’s not all about you. It always has to be your way. You don’t understand what I’m going through/ the pressure I’m under. I can’t talk to you (when you are like this).  

Ask yourself: did I make really good decisions and have great instincts before I met my significant other? Did I handle other people kindly, with compassion and strength before I met my significant other? Was I able to read people pretty well before I met them?

• They give you false hope.

They will say something that is meaningful to you will take place: you will do this or will go there, they will help you ( or help an important person in your life),

or will say: of course, we will get together or go out with this person that you like that is important to you.

When it doesn’t happen, it is not their fault. Eventually, you will learn not to get your hopes up and you will stop asking or expecting it. They had a really good reason, and you or your friends and family should be thankful for what they do.

There are two reasons why they will occasionally ( and usually not with altruistic enthusiasm) do things for others:

 

1. so they can point to it to prove they do what they say and go out of their way to help others but are misunderstood or the victim of others wanting too much from them when they are giving everything and no one is entitled to their time, attention and resources;
2. so others are indebted to them.

“Entitled” is a keyword. You will hear the victim say. ” THEY” ( the other person) are not entitled to ____ from me/us. and they may justify it with ” one thing has nothing to do with the other” when the topic of reciprocity is the case.

If you watch closely, you will find the victim believes they are entitled to a lot; including appreciation even when they do something that the other person didn’t want them to do. The victim also will be put out that others don’t take their advice– this is the entitlement of admiration and appreciation. The victim is entitled, others are not.