The 1st Invisible dot

Surely it wasn’t a big deal at the time. Your significant other was standing up for or supporting you. Reach back in your memory and

Ask yourself:

  1. early on in our relationship did my significant other say ( or do) something offensive to (or about) the person they thought was my ” best friend”; and my ” best friend” decided they didn’t like or asked me why I liked, my significant other?
  2. If so, did I feel that my ” best friend” didn’t understand that my ” significant other” didn’t mean to be offensive; that’s just how my significant other is- having little social skills.
  3. Did my ” best friend” reach out to me, and continue to reach out to me to connect and I brushed them off? Did I start to feel that my ” best friend” didn’t understand, and my best friend or family wasn’t acting in my best interest but was instead selfishly focusing on their needs to see me? Eventually, did my ” best friend” stop reaching out?
  4. It may be sometime after, or simultaneously, did my significant other start taking the place of my ” best friend”, and I started to confide and rely on them?
  5. When I had disagreements, misunderstandings, or fights with my family did my ” significant other” side with me? Did they repeatedly encourage me to work it out with my family, or did they encourage me to pull away from my family in any way,  to think for myself, enforce my independence, avoid my family or suggest in any way that my family didn’t have my very best interest at heart? ( Read TRIANGULATION below). Did they encourage me to spend time with them or their family instead?

Keep reading to tell if you might have the first ” invisible dots” that you won’t and didn’t see.

Eventually, you will see them, unfortunately, it will be after very much pain and suffering.

Do you want to see them sooner than later?

One out of every four women ( I don’t know the statistic for men) is harmed in relationships with invisible dots. There is nothing they could have done to know.

I saw them only because a woman showed them to me. She assured me the other side of seeing them was so much better.

I assure you the same. When I left it changed me to be a stronger and better woman, the best version of myself.

I know when you first see them you might doubt reality. This is the start of COMING BACK TO REALITY.
I hope if you see them in your life, you will leave them and help others see them.
No one has ever regretted leaving the invisible dots.


YOU CAN’T IMAGINE? There is a type of person that is attracted to strong, competent, self-sufficient women with a strong sense of responsibility and moral fiber. These people do not want someone needy or someone anyone could have, she has to be a “trophy” and confident enough to keep his ego-supply coming. The more self-sufficient and confident she is the more determined this person will be to “break”, or ” train”  her.  If he can, making her totally dependent on him is the ultimate in “love” to him.


Love is restorative.
Love fills you with inner peace.

Unless you had felt very strongly prior to meeting your significant other that your ” best friend” and/or your family were abusive to you, then even though your significant other seemed to be supportive, what they were doing was isolating you for their own needs.

HELPFUL HINT: You know how, when you truly love someone, whether it’s a person or even a pet, you can get really angry at them, yet despite the anger, you still feel love for them? There is a loving connection beyond behavior and circumstances. That’s healthy unconditional love. While doing so probably comes quite naturally to you, it’s important to realize that it is not natural to everyone. The ability to see other people at a deeper level requires the ability to see ourselves at a deeper level. It’s not something everyone can do.

There are people who, for whatever reason that is uniquely their own, are only able to love in a controlling manner. They use subtle emotional manipulation to control and ( they believe)  ensure a stable, secure, loving relationship for themselves and you. Through isolating you ( bonding to only them) and through emotional manipulation they will change your behavior ( thoughts, words, and actions) so that you only display adoration of and for them. You will not be validated by being able to maintain your own sense of self.

One woman said it like this: “If you ask them whether they love someone, they might well say “yes”. Translation: “Yes, I love this person when they do what I want them to”.


These people will present themselves as both kind, soft-spoken, and gentle, and then eventually you will also notice they are arrogant or off-putting. It will be sometime in, when they are secure that the likelihood is good that you won’t leave, that you will feel blindsided by just how hurtful they can be to you or those you care about. I don’t care what reason they give you for their actions and words being this way – and they will say they have Aspergers Syndrome, maybe a lack of social skills, to any other number of reasons at first (and I say at first because eventually, they will say they are not the problem, but you are). They can not change. They do love you- the way they can. Their love is not restorative. It does not uplift and encourage you. It will make you change most everything about yourself. Is it a love you really want to live and die with?

It will not end with you being filled with inner peace and self-confidence. Please trust me on this. You deserve Real love.

One woman said this:” The idea that ‘if we just try hard enough, we will find a way to create authentic connection’, can keep us tied up in a relationship that really only revolves around functionality, but, like a quest for a holy grail, holds the unspoken promise of one day becoming a connection of unconditional love. It comes down to the fact that you are really inlove with the dream of who they are. Every little positive spark of something nice they said or did, enforces the “truth” of that dream. This keeps us at a seemingly safe distance from what is really happening. The dream keeps the painful reality at bay. However, at some point, it’s necessary to see the dream for what it is and recognize that it is impossible to love or be loved by them.  It’s not anyone’s fault, it’s just that they have made themselves completely unavailable to unconditional love, and there’s nothing you can do to change that.”

The 1st invisible dot(s) you didn’t see is that you became isolated from people whom you trusted. It’s worth saying again: Who you could trust, who knew you, who would be your sounding board, give you your own perspective back to you, which would be a perspective different from your ” significant other”, but based on who they knew that you are because they loved and “had your back”. It is vital that we have trusted sounding boards in our life to help us be the best version of ourself with our own free will.


No one expected or expects, you to recognize this kind of manipulation or to understand why someone whom you loved freely would want to control you. Please keep reading, just to be sure it’s not happening- because people don’t see the invisible dots for years. They are harmed up to the day they see them, and once they see them, they can’t be unseen. Keep reading to make sure.

ASK YOURSELF: Do I have more inner peace and happy thoughts, or more anxiety, since I’ve been with them? Do I feel more confident in myself or less? Do I hear myself filled more with positive, uplifting thoughts or more negativity since I’ve been around them? Do I have unexplained pains or symptoms of inflammation in my body since I’ve met them? Do I worry more about things I didn’t worry about before? Am I confident in my own thoughts and feelings? Am I confused about things and I hadn’t ever really been confused before? 


At first, you might, question if the invisible dots are there and be afraid to leave “the best love of your life” that has given you so much attention and love. ( google: ” love bombing” ). “The tough thing about a relationship with invisible dots is that they often run on hope.”

You may distrust your instinct, rationalize what you see. And because you don’t have your trusted “sounding boards”, you are confused when you first start thinking that something isn’t right. You don’t want to be wrong, leave this great love, and ruin your life. You are smart. You are loving.
If you think something is wrong, it probably is. It’s ok that you didn’t see them before. They are invisible. Here’s what one woman said : “Somehow they convince you to listen to your head, listen to your heart, but do not listen your gut. It takes extraordinary magic for someone like me to tune out my gut…”

The only way to handle the dots is to leave. Leave quietly. Go to someone you can trust and ask them for quiet support while you get help sorting out your own thoughts. I recommend at least 14-26 weeks of being reconnected with your family and friends again, away from your significant other entirely. Be alone with your own thoughts. Hear your own inner voice.


HELPFUL HINT: Do not attempt to discuss it with your significant other.
When you are trying to calm yourself down after experiencing unacceptable behavior, remind yourself that they act this way because it is literally how they are wired, and not because of anything you did or did not do. Repeat this phrase in your head: “It doesn’t matter if they get it. I get who they are and what’s important is that I will no longer allow myself to be treated this way.”
If you find yourself want to argue that something about your relationship wasn’t or isn’t fair, remind yourself that the concept is meaningless to them and that this is yet another reason the fairest thing you can do for yourself is to move on. Do not apologize to them in an attempt to reason with them, to get on the same page, or because you think they will then apologize in kind. This will only backfire on you.


Please know, the longer a person is involved with invisible dots, the more damage is done to the person’s self-confidence, their esteem, and even their perception of reality. That does not heal quickly, sometimes never. A victim of these invisible dots will be abused at a soul level, comparable to a prisoner of war, a rape victim, a hostage; they can probably not even adequately describe what they have been through. In many cases, as a part of their attempts at survival, they have blocked much of the abuse or minimized it.

This is “survival mode”. have you found yourself blocking, minimizing, putting aside, and moving forward, or pretending things weren’t done or said, because they are overwhelming,  or simply can not accept how horrible the situation is.

Once you are away from the dots, and the dangerous emotions and memories will come flooding back. Your brain needs to acknowledge and accept what happened in order to start the healing process. It might be necessary for you to relive some events over and over again. 

I know because it happened to me. It is best you leave early on. Trust that something is not right and leave.

A woman in this type of relationship leaves an average of 7 times before leaving for good. As long as he can make her feel that she has some power to change things she will go back. The reality is you have to leave. Leaving early on is best for recovery.

Many people leaving a relationship with these invisible dots suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and should get help from a professional for that, someone who is familiar with the effect on the victims.


Adults are independent. We choose to and spend time with people we love. We tend to spend (or want to spend) time with our significant other more than other people. This is normal. In fact, I love that some couples now work from home, and homeschool, because they get to spend lots of time together. It makes for a tight-knit family! 🙂 On the other side, some family members just don’t get along, so they don’t spend much time together.


Invisible Dots =CHANGE. If you have experienced a change in your relationships, that you hadn’t expected or desired, there may be invisible dots.


  • your significant other is respectful to, and of, your friends and family. 
  • you are encouraged to spend alone time with your friends and family without him around and he is happy about it.
  • your significant other respects you and wants you to be the same person you were towards your friends and family that you were before you met him

click “Learn more” below to go to more outside information about the 2nd Dot.

Once the honeymoon/love-bombing phase begins its dismal decline, then starts blaming your relationship problems on your outside influences, which may include:  parents, grandparents, siblings, other extended family, exes, best friends, and even children. Learn more

The 2nd invisible dots

A loving significant other may not like your friends and family but they will absolutely respect that they are yours and they will treat them with at least basic respect. THIS IS TO RESPECT YOU.

Ask yourself:  Did my significant other (1) ever insult my family or friends to their face,  in my presence or behind my back, (2) say insulting things about how they felt about them, or (3) tell them they hurt me as if they were defending me? Did they (4) throw blame, shame, or fault or guilt at my family or friends based on what seemed a third-party offense on my behalf from something I had confided to them about? And did my significant other (5) apologize, initiate, seek or accept restoration between themselves and my family, or encourage me and my family to make amends?

If they did either 1-4 without doing number 5, then that was meant to be divisive. Love is restorative. It does not seek its own benefit. Love respects others and wants relationships, and values the connection you have with other people.

Ask yourself: Did my family ask why I didn’t have time for them? Did my friends and family pull away and I started spending all my time glued at the hip so to speak with my significant other? 

Ask yourself: Do I feel confused about things, but I was never ever confused about anything before?

And, did you think that you weren’t sure why you were confused?

Did you start having physical pains that you couldn’t explain? anxiety? Nightmares? Strange dreams? Did you start to lose much weight or gain much weight? Did your hair get thinner? 



Triangulation/ emotional manipulation:
If ” the Rescuer” ( your significant other) reveals something you said in confidence, throws blame, or accuses person “A” ( the Aggressor) ” on what seems “the behalf” of person “B” ( you- the Wronged person), and the Rescuer does not immediately say ” go work this out”, then the Rescuer has created division. They have caused “A’ and “B” to not trust each other.  This is triangulation. It is controlling. There is no other purpose for it. Let me repeat. There is no other purpose for it.

They may accuse your friend that they hurt you,  that you don’t like your friend, that you can’t trust your friend, or that you don’t want your friend around.

Ask yourself: Did my significant other do 1-4 above (but not number 5) or say anything like the statements above, in front of me? You may have been taken off guard when they said it. It seemed they were defending you, standing up for you. But unless they followed it up with “go work this out” it was meant to be divisive and separate your emotional ties to the friend or family member. TO PUSH THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE AWAY.

One woman said : “They are experts at playing the shame game with those around them.They do not feel remorse for hurting people and abusing their power over others , but in fact believe they are justified in doing so, they shame with abandon.”


  • your significant other doesn’t say rude things/ is respectful to, and of, your friends and family.
  • you are encouraged to spend alone time with your friends and family without him around and he is happy about it.
  • your significant other respects you and wants you to be the same person you were towards your friends and family that you were before you met him


So, if you weren’t there, your significant other used emotional manipulation on your friends or family to cause them to not trust you so they would leave you alone.

If you were there and didn’t say anything, even if it was because you didn’t know what to say, your significant other effectively told your friends and family that you wanted them to move far away from you, and your silence agreed.

You inadvertently enforced the isolation.  Don’t blame them for pulling away. This was, or is, a confusing time for them. Your loved ones believe you make your own decisions and that you are pushing them away. They feel rejected.


LOVE is restorative. Love respects. Love gives you inner peace.



Your family’s therapist will actually tell them to LEAVE YOU, so you can be even MORE ABUSED, so you can “one day” figure out that you are being abused. Your family’s therapist and other friends will tell them ” she’s smart”, “she’ll figure it out.”. All the while you won’t know. YOU CAN’T SEE THE DOT’S.

I know how painful this will be for you one day when you figure it out and know your family did see it and didn’t rescue you. But, honestly they most likely really tried and you wouldn’t listen, you pushed them away. I know because I did  and 25 years later I still wished my mother had rescued me. I would have had a different life if she had not let me push her away. BUT IT WASN’T MY MOTHER’S FAULT.

And your family will die inside quietly watching you not know what’s actually happening.THEY DON’T KNOW YOU CAN’T SEE THE INVISIBLE DOTS. They can ONLY WATCH YOU SUFFER and get more confused as you push your family away, pretend nothing is wrong, as you try to figure it out.

If you voice concerns about how your family is acting towards you after this, a significant other who is using emotional manipulation to control you

will tell you that you need to give them a break and time- that they are just trying to figure things out.

Effectively, this is more emotional manipulation now aimed towards you to tell you that you are a bad friend, daughter, sister, brother, etc, because you aren’t empathizing with your family’s need for space. Or they might tell you that it is more proof that you can’t really trust your friends or family. You might be thinking ” seriously?”.  Yes, seriously. 

This was planned by your significant other. I am sorry to say that. I know they “love you”, but they need to isolate you, and to control you. You need to leave this kind of “love”. It will destroy you. It will destroy your friends and family to watch it happen.


I made a commitment

YOU MADE A COMMITMENT TO LOVE. You are strong and abundantly loving, the kind of person who does not give up on someone. Who is generous, caring and gives freely to others. Who honors their commitment. You do the right thing, even if it hurts you. You always work things out. You are good at working things out.

You were chosen by your significant other for this reason. Because you are this way, you are going to tie yourself up and it will be even easier to control you. Please see that I said, “you are going to tie yourself up”. Emotional manipulation and control is extremely harmful because it is you using your determination to make something work that is not restorative. Emotional manipulation and control is not and never will be restorative. It is not you. No matter what you do, it will never be. 

They are counting on, and know that for at least a while ( until you see the invisible dots) you will stay and tie yourself up trying. They ” can not love” people that are not like you, becaus those people won’t stay. The objective is to tie you up emotionally so that you feel unable to leave. They have to rewrite your self-worth, your abilities, your capabilities, your other relationships. And they are counting on you not to give up on lovign them, but to keep giving in and changing youself.

Other people don’t stay. Other people aren’t as determined, mentally strong, or giving as you. They demand respect first and foremost. They will not put other people ahead of their own needs.

Maybe you believe that you have to put someone else’s needs ahead of your own to this extend. You do not. You deserve more respect, you deserve to be wrong, and not do things right, and to have it overlooked, not corrected over and over again. And your relationships with other people deserve respect. 

Maybe you believe that your significant other and you are compromising and learning the give and take of a relationship.

Ok, this may be the case.
ASK YOURSELF Dot 1 and 2 again: does my significant other support my other relationships? Or are they saying or doing something that is or has caused me to question or doubt those people that I once knew absolutely had my back and loved me? Have they consistently acted with respect and in a restorative manner to the people I love; even when wronged? 

At first, your significant other will only make you doubt other people. And, only some people. They will accuse your family and friends of doing exactly what they are doing- controlling, trying to come between you two, taking advantage of you; or that your friends or family did not, has not, or is not respecting you. They will drop hints to cause you to wonder if you have blindly in the past, or are currently being taken advantage of by others.Or, they may outright question you and make you decide, what you ” owe” these people. Are you obligate to them? Are you obligated to give them your time and energy? They will tell you that you aren’t obligated to them. ( See Entitled below).

Consider the irony: your significant other loves most about you is how caring you are towards other people. Then eventually they tell you the people you care most about are acting ” entitled” and you aren’t obligated to them. ( see Savior below.) What your significant other is really doing is getting you to change who you are, and at the same time push your family and friends away. As you change, you will start to emotionally withdraw from family and friends, to shut down emotionally so they can not ” take” your energy from you. They will notice the change in you before you do and ironically will tell you you are pulling away and that will play into your significant other’s dialog that they are ” being entitled”. Crafty huh?

This is how your significant other will treat them: 

  • They will not treat your family with respect. They will say rude things and not feel self compelled to make amends
  • Will deflect and not engage in conversation to completely, emotionally resolve any conflict. 
  • Will not openly share their accomplishments with them.
  • In short, will not be an actual friend or member of the family. 


Your significant other doesn’t need to, they know they don’t plan on having those people around for long.

This doesn’t mean they won’t be friendly sometimes- especially if engaged with them about something that is to your significant other’s advantage. This doesn’t make your significant other mean or bad...  just controlling. Not capable of loving without control. If they could they would do that from the start and there would have been no division.  They would have loved from the start as if LOVE IS RESTORATIVE. LOVE IS KIND. LOVE IS NOT ARROGANT. 


The people who are not a threat to your significant other, you will be able to keep a relationship with them. These will be people that don’t really know the ” real you”. Someone that you don’t completely share yourself with. This may be a “friend” whom you support, but with whom you do not share yourself completely, someone who is not capable of risking everything to have your back. You will get to keep the people that you can’t trust 1000%. 

The Pattern

There will be a pattern. PLEASE, I BEG YOU SECRETLY TAKE NOTES. You will absolutely doubt everything you think one day and you will need it written down to prove to yourself. Your present self each day must become your future self’s sounding board.

Your significant other may keep notes on you (or if they are really psychotic think it’s ok to keep notes on ” offenses” other people did to you, or you did to them). This was for control to prove how messed up or wrong you are. Think about it, there isn’t another reason to keep notes about someone’s behavior in a loving relationship. (See Triangulation and Master )

This is not what you are going to do. You are writing your own perceptions, what was said to you, how you felt about it, and what you said or did next, and then what the outcome was. Think of what you are going to write as if it was a movie script.  

I recommend getting a new google account and then get a google voice number. It will only be accessible when you are signed into that new google account- so keep the account private only to you. Text that number as you would a friend, and then delete the text from your phone. The text you sent to your google number will stay on your google number for you to read, forever.

While your significant other once said they valued (above all else) that you would do anything for other people, If they haven’t already, then soon, they will make sure you give much less of yourself to the people who were once very, very close to you- those people that you knew you could always count on. They are slowly changing who you are. It may be ” of course we can”, and then something comes up that prevents you from doing that, or they may get to the point where they say we don’t have time right now, or help you understand new priorities now that you are connected ” at the hip” strengthening your relationship.

They are taking the ability for you to love, be kind, be thoughtful, and be generous with other people away from you. They have to do this rather slowly. They will do some things that seem very out of their way ( especially at first) or might say “of course we can” do this or that and then postpone it for this reason: because if they did it faster you would be on alert.

And they may allow ( by allotting enough time or money) to do the occasional thing because it is vital to them that they appear to other people as a “giver and all-around nice guy”. They have to have something to “prove” to you that they are caring towards the people you care about.

Eventually, they will have you very limited in what you do with other people- compared to what you had envisioned you and your life like. It will be mostly stopped. It may be because someone doesn’t agree with him, doesn’t take his advice, it is annoying to spend his time or money on those people. Again, they won’t take everyone away from you- just the ones you know would have your back. They probably will have you both start spending time with new people instead. New people don’t know who you were before you started micro-changing to be more ” compatible” with your significant other. New people will start to think you are the one with the problem because he will be wonderful with them and will put you down in front of them ( triangulating them, because, silence is agreement).

As you lose the other people in your life, you will start to lose yourself. At first, you won’t notice it, but other people may point out that you seem to be changing your mind about things, less spunky, less bubbly,  ” shutting down” or ” shutting them off”.

Maybe you will start to realize that you don’t easily see when people are trying to engage you in conversation. Sometimes it just seems they are stating facts, and not seeking your feelings. You never had this problem before, in fact, you were engaging and loved engaging other people in conversation about almost anything.

Sh-t will hit the fan for you. It may be every 10-12 weeks, 6-8 weeks, or  14-16 weeks.
The pattern will be:

Master, Saviour, Victim
Then it will repeat.


Master    Saviour   Victim

  The goal is for you to lose trust in yourself, your feelings, and your perceptions so you can’t live without them
and you can’t protect yourself. 



Some describe MASTER as wearing a mask.

Generally, your undercurrent is friendly, positive, and upbeat, but sometimes you can get snippy. Same with everyone. This will be when you are tired, hungry, upset by someone or something, or not feeling well. When you are rude, you apologize. it is not common for you. Master has two sides. 

It would be easy to spot if Master wasn’t kind sometimes, thoughtful, and fun to be with. The difference between a regular person having a bad day and Master will run in patterns with Saviour and Victim.

The Master will judge and criticize, or ” fix” or ” perfect”, or ” help make you a better you”. They actively work at lowering your self-esteem.

Master will matter of factly, without yelling, say things like this :

  • You talk too much. Your talk to hear yourself talk.
  • You are always interrupting ( even when you are just being enthusiastic as is typical in some cultures such as is typified in movies by large Italian families around the table).
  • You can dish it out but you can’t take it.

These are all phrases to take away your voice by making you feel you are not valued or understood. They are targets aimed to shut you down, to get you to withdraw from being authentically you. You are being this or that way ( rude, uncaring, selfish, not talking right, not using the right words, unfriendly, hostile, mean, unforgiving, careless, sloppy, disrespectful, too sensitive, too emotional ). They will use words that are over the top to describe what you think you just did. At first, you may think either they don’t use words right. Eventually, you will find yourself looking up the word to see how they are right, then you will agree based on their viewpoint rather than argue. The goal is to make you think you are worst than you are, but that you don’t see it.

This is to undermind your perception. ” No one likes you.” Master will say. “Why don’t you have friends.” ” No one will tell you how you really are.” Master knows you aren’t a good person. Master knows everyone else thinks you aren’t a good person. Even you are wrong about yourself. Only Master knows and sees the truth. Only Master is your friend and has your best interest at heart. You need to listen to Master. Don’t frustrate Master by not taking their advice. You will only get more of it, without any explanation as to why Master is telling you these things. Master will stop saying these things when you shut down. Then, Master might judge you for shutting down the wrong way. The goal is to silence you, accept how they want you to be, and be the way Master wants you to be in this or that instance. 

Ask yourself: Is the person who just said those things, acting at other times like they are friendly towards the person they said it to? We can all be mean or say unkind things sometimes. And then we apologize for our bad behavior without anyone pointing it out to us. We know when we have been mean. We feel compelled to make restitution for our mean words. Master does not. Master will say them and just act nice next time. Has Master been mean and then nice to someone you love? Has it caused your loved one confusion?

Master will be distant and withdrawn, then friendly and attentive, and a lot of the time say things that your good Aunt Martha would say is “just being downright rude and needn’t  be said”, it will almost seem, out of the blue.

Master will be seen by others as arrogant. Master is superior. You may have seen it as confidence, but someone at some point has mentioned to you that they were, or are, arrogant. You may have even recognized it and at one point you felt inferior to them, but you weren’t quite sure why. If he’s ” gotten better’ he’s just learned to keep his mouth shut more of the time, because people were noticing and he doesn’t want the negative feedback from some people. 

And here’s the telling sign: they will not only say these things in private but also in front of people you respect. But not necessarily in front of people that Master respects.

Master may come right out and say they need to train you.
Ask yourself where they got their training to train you? How long was the training process for them to learn to train you? Who provided it? Who, or what position, gave them the authority to train you? Did they earn a certificate at the end? God and Parents train. Not a loving mate.

Others are meant to love us through our faults, to pray for us and let our faults bump up against them to change them, and still love us even if we offend or act unloving at times towards them. This is love. Love does not micromanage our actions, words, or thoughts. Chances are you will find your significant other’s family has control issues, criticalness, judgemental, or bitterness issues. Ask around your significant other’s family if there are any of these issues. Bitterness grows out of this kind of love. Love is restorative, not bitter. Love is forgiving, not judgemental.

Mater likes to make critical remarks, often disguised as humor or sarcasm, to make you seem inferior and less secure. Examples can include any variety of comments ranging from your weight to your older model smartphone, to your background and credentials, to the fact that you walked in two minutes late and out of breath. By making you look bad, and getting you to feel bad, the aggressor hopes to impose psychological superiority over you.


Ask yourself: if you were ( kindly) pointing out a flaw in a friend ( for their benefit) would you do so in front of other people? Would you soften it or would you say it critically? Master will say it because the person you respect will probably not know what to say, and so it will appear that Master has the agreement of others. And Master’s words will carry the added weight of the person you respect also, by their unintended silence.

If you were ( kindly) pointing out a flaw in a friend ( for their benefit) would you be concerned that you might have offended them? Master will not be concerned about your (or anyone else’s feelings). Master is looking to get a reaction. If Master doesn’t get a button-pushing reaction, or he can’t read your expression, Master will ask how you feel with a ” now” at the end. ” Are you mad, now“? ” Are you hurt, now”? Ask yourself: would you say: ” Did I hurt you? Did I make you mad? Are we ok? If you cared about the person would you say ” are you mad now?” ” Are you hurt now“? The now makes is mocking, doesn’t it? It takes away the right of the Masters’ victim to be hurt, mad, or to own ( any justifiable ) feelings at all… because Master is right.

Master uses the “negative surprise”:  an exaggerated emotional force that is not in line with the minor offense. It may be a yell, or simply the use of the juxtaposition of a stern facial expression with a soft controlled voice. The purpose is to take you off guard, elicit confusion, so you can not process emotions and words at the same time, and you will more easily succumb to trust Master without question. 

Master will also do “intellectual bullying” by having you presume them to be the expert and most knowledgeable in certain areas or have gained expert knowledge that you have not by asking others with superior credentials. Think of this as ” 9 out of 10 dentists agree”. There is no way for you to fact-check and you will trust their expertise. They will indeed make you feel inferior. They might say “that’s not what you said, no, you said this and they will hold you to each specific word you uttered. ( You will start to think you don’t know how to talk anymore so that people understand you.) You need to understand. You need to change. You need to see it, right. This is the right way to feel about that. You aren’t looking at it right. You are wrong. I know how to do this. I have the best advice. I have superior knowledge/asked the experts. If you want this, then this is how you should do it, or say it, when you do it with me, or say it to me. Are you happy now? (when something bad happens.) See what you’ve done? When something bad happens)


Master will also be the one that says  ” I don’t have to justify”, or “ why do I have to justify” or ” I don’t owe them an explanation” and ” they do the same thing” to other people.

Normal restorative relationships are messy. There is a significant difference between presenting objective facts for the purpose of problem-solving, versus utilizing biased and/or covert information for the purpose of manipulation. People ask, share, argue, respect, and debate, and then come to an understanding that is intellectually and emotionally mutually satisfying. People question others’ ” this is whys” and ” let me explains” and share their ” this is whys” and “let me explain” and learn from each other, or learn where to disagree.

Ask yourself:  Did my friends and family accept me for all my faults and love me and not point them out to me? Did my friends and point my faults out to me lovingly in private or in the safety of others that cared about and supported me. Did I handle other people kindly, with compassion and strength before I met my significant other?  Why am I thinking I’m doing something wrong?


What’s the difference between Master and a Parent? Not much on the surface. A Parent disciplines, trains, and instructs for the most part. A good Parent does it lovingly and with respect without intentionally making a child feel inferior, or foolish; for the purpose of the grown child being a self-directed adult. A good parent won’t make a child feel small in front of people they respect. 

If you are not a child then you are most likely capable of self-improvement. If your significant other’s words feel similar in words and actions to your parent, be warry. Significant others support your self-improvement and self-identity to sharpen their own. They will not sound much like your parent. You might argue with them because you have your own mind until you decide on compromises. And it will be messy and hard. A significant other trusts the heart of their mate, they do not train it. They become one with them by coming to understand the other and melding themselves into the other. The two to become one, not changing the other to have one mind- theirs. If there is to be one mind, perhaps both should aspire to become in the likeness of the mind of their mutually agreed higher power, or the established mutually agreed values and standards.

Ask yourself:
1. Have I been ignoring the sinking feeling in my gut and rationalizing it away?
2. Does it “logically” make sense that my family or I am, to blame for the relationship’s problems but it still feels like there’s something hinky going on? (Logically is in quotes because it’s faulty logic that omits some things while highlighting others)
3. Do I feel like that confident no-bullshit person I was is trickling through my fingers and where I once said I would speak up, I’ve come to learn I can’t about somethings?



HELPFUL HINT: When you hear any Master-sounding words, repeat to yourself: “Their brain is wired to protect themselves at any cost, even at the cost of my sanity. What they are saying about me isn’t true, they are defining me because of their lack of empathy and sense of entitlement. It is what they need me to believe.” 

Be wary of backhanded remarks like ” and you need to give so and so a break” when in fact they have never shown ” so and so” any concern on their own. This type of remark looks like they are being supportive of the person, but in fact, they are telling you that you are inferior for Master knows to and would show that person kindness if they were you, but you aren’t as good as Master to have done so, and Master had to point it out to you.

Master is telling you they are superior that you can’t even read other people’s emotional needs and you hurt people. Another backhand remark might be aimed at you but the target of judgment is someone you care about. They might tell the other person that they messed you up. This is triangulation at its best and is usually used with a *Savior’s notes ( see below). The truth is still the same, they are saying YOU are defective.

When Master tells your friend or family member how badly they hurt you, your family or friend will be stunned and two things will happen 1) they will wonder if they can trust that you want a relationship with them because you didn’t trust them enough to tell them directly yourself so they could apologize and make amends ( that is what people who want to stay in a relationship do) and 2) they will not be able to reply because you haven’t talked to them about it.

Love is restorative. Unless the triangled accusation is followed with a ” go work this out”  it is emotional control of MASTER. It immediately separates you from your friend or family member.

If you are there when it happens, you may not know what to say, because:

  1. it was your place to say something ( if indeed you felt that way) or
  2. it may not have been completely accurate, but you want your significant other to save face, and
  3. you think to yourself that you aren’t sure how to correct them in front of your friend or family- and keep the peace- without opening a can of worms. 

After all, correcting people in front of others is not kind. The Master knows this.  Let’s say it was ” you messed them up”. Friend or Family may not think you are messed up, so if they say “yes, I messed them up” then it is demoralizing to you. If they say no, they are denying your pain. NO ONE WINS.

Everyone is trapped by the Master, but the target is you. Now, your friend or family also believes ( or at least is questioning) that you are or must be, messed up and only the Master had knowledge of it, they did not. So there you stand, everyone wondering if you are messed up. Both your friend/ family is thinking it and Master just stated it as fact. Make no mistake. If everyone was confused, and you started being isolated, Master will use this backhanded attack again. 

I’ve seen Master turn friends and family against a woman. So they didn’t know if they could trust her. She started thinking she was crazy, and she started believing that no one would ever believe her. Master gave her no emotionally safe place to turn when she was ready to reach out and seek help. 


Yes, this is still Master


  • Master may not be physically abusive.
  • He may ask you what you want, want to do, or let you make decisions for yourself.
  • Master may be soft-spoken, but there is determination and force in the eyes and tone  ( like you would speak to a misbehaving child) when he isn’t being playful and kind.

He can likely be calm and controlled.

And he will not discuss anything too far, if at all, when he decides you are wrong.

If he agrees… just wait. He may be buying his time to bring the issue up again and enforce it another time. He may be letting you have a false sense of hope or respect. This is why I beg you to take notes.


Remember, Master is also attentive, loving, fun, and kind. The Master will be intermittently dismissive toward you. This is to pull away so you will continue to do things to win his attentive, loving side.


The Master will sometimes speak to you, or your friends or family with a tone of voice that is more emotionally charged than necessary for the circumstance.

I once heard a wife ask a husband about her health insurance in front of his family. His response was over the top aggressive when he said ” why do you need to know about that? That’s not something you need to worry about. I handle that!” He ” put her in her place”, in front of people she respected, but that he did not.

Do you think he would have said that in front of his business associates when he had her on his arm all dolled up? 

I was horrified for her, but I didn’t say anything- People won’t say anything because they don’t know what to say to, or about, such rudeness. But you will come to feel SILENCE IS AGREEMENT because, in fact, it is. 


The enhanced force of emotion being disproportionate to the issue at hand, or the words conveyed, knocks people off their guard and gains the speaker an emotional advantage based on the confusion. Sometimes what is said would not have made sense on its own, or in the context of the discussion at all, but the listener will not recognize it because of the emotion behind the words.

You are being this way or that way- stop it! 

The force of emotion will at first ( until you are accustomed to it) take you by surprise. The level of emotion will be disproportionate to the “offense” or how you were speaking or what the issue at hand is. You will think- ” what just happened?” ” was I being____?” ” what did I do? ” what did I do wrong?”

For instance, you accidentally break something. They will fly off the handle even if it is minor and fixable, and it was of little value. The emotion and scolding were not actually about the break. It was to condition you. In most cases, it will be followed by a change in their demeanor that is playful and acts as if nothing just happened.  You said something off the cuff and got called out on the carpet for it. 

Eventually, you will notice ( if your friends, or family as still around) that they will act this way with them- The only people they won’t act this way with is someone they want to respect from, or are at least a little intimidated by. Your significant other will blast someone one day, and act as if they like them and nothing happened the next time they see them, without any apology or explanation. 

Ask yourself: do they act this way with people they respect and want to have a relationship with?

Would they act this way in front of the kindest and most gentle of their friends’ parents? If not, then they know they are not being kind.

Did people think the way you talked was rude before you met your significant other?

Did others enjoy talking to you the way you talked before?
Did people really like you?

Did you get along with almost everyone?

Did you feel you had a voice to stand up for how you felt, and your own perspective? 

You will start to lose yourself. Please leave.
You can not love this, you can not change or submit enough, you can not be ” good enough” or do enough of the ” right thing” 

Please leave now before you are too damaged. Eventually, you will see. But it will take you so long to trust yourself again if you stay. 


Master will blame you for them attacking you.
Master will mock you for reacting.

SAVIOUR: They hurt and they comfort.

 I have your best interest at heart, I want us to have the best relationship, I am saying this for your, or our, own good. Don’t you want to be better? Don’t you want to be, or have better. Don’t you want to be with me? Don’t you trust me? You have to trust me. You just don’t understand. You are messed up. That thing or person destroyed you. You have trust issues. You are insecure. Do you think you would be like/ think this way/ feel like this if you ( insert your insecurity or blaming your family or something you didn’t do like you wanted to do here). You’ll never find anyone that loves/ cares for/ will do for you as I do. You want to go in this direction, we aren’t going in that direction with the conversation, we are going in this other direction ( that is best for you).

Ask yourself: did I make really good decisions and have great instincts before I met my significant other? Was I able to navigate good relationships before them?

Saviour makes sure you have no one else to turn to when they hurt you. Not only do they do this so you can’t get outside help, they also do this so you are trauma bonded to them. They hurt and they comfort.

Eventually, you may not be able to separate the two emotions. When they hurt you, you run into their arms for comfort instead of fleeing to protect yourself. They will start by telling you that the person ( that they want to isolate you from/ who you had a disagreement with) has upset and hurt you and you should not allow them to hurt you again. *They may even take note of the event. It will be your one-sided bias of the issue, which you stated in the height of emotion. But you will feel heard, understood, and supported.

Most all of us want this kind of support when we have an altercation with a close friend or family member. But when we cool down, we restore the issue at hand by seeking our friend or family member’s point of view and reconciling. These arguments can actually strengthen a relationship. They are a normal part of growth. But the Savior will take note and hold you to this viewpoint, without the other side, so they can use your own words against you to remind you of how bad the other person is to you. Ironically, they will give you advice that you don’t run back to someone that is hurting you- but stay away and establish boundaries.

Eventually, the misunderstandings that we each have in a relationship, that could have been resolved, will be used to convince you that you can’t trust the person that you used to trust.

Then, slowly at first, the Savior will hurt you, insist that you talk to them and share how you feel, and allow them to comfort you. This will seem normal at first, after all, it is what you are used to ( except that you were advised or told by the victim not to attempt restoration with the other person). So much for healthy boundaries.

Trauma bonding. You will come to only trust them. **What they are really doing is giving you a false sense of being heard and understood that ” the other person who you can not trust” wasn’t able to provide.

In reality, they are getting you to express yourself to expose your weaknesses, and bond with them. 

This happened to me. I distinctly remember when I was in so deep, Savior kissing my bruised, swelling face that Master just caused.  Saviour telling me I was loved. This was in the middle of the relationship. You see how messed up this is, but I didn’t at the time. Maybe Master isn’t hitting you. But is Saviour saving you from Masters words?


Ask Yourself: Do they routinely share emotional details with you and other people in their family? Are they open emotionally? Do they ” share themselves” easily with other people? Have you come to feel you can’t trust someone you used to believe you could, and you aren’t sure why? Did the Savior talk you out of mending fences so to speak with that person, slowly over time?


SAVIOUR will also gaslight you. ( Google: Gaslighting) In short, they will tell you what you thought is wrong, what you understood was wrong, and convince you you can’t rely on anyone but them.

Ask yourself: did I make really good decisions and have great instincts before I met my significant other? Was I able to read people well before I met them? Did I remember things accurately? 

One woman said: ““Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, well, you did it differently that time. Fool me 52 times and honey, I’m gonna catch on eventually, despite how much work I’ve put into loving you. There is one thing they are too stupid to comprehend. We are not weak women just because we forgive and love with all we have. They don’t see it for what it really is, incredible strength, who else but a strong woman could love them?? They think they can destroy us because they don’t see our strength, which just proves how handicapped they are.”

VICTIM: they didn’t do anything wrong.

Victim will sometimes emphasize their point with tears. My “Victim” would do this when ” caught ” in a place that he didn’t understand where his point of control lay, because knew I would put myself back in my place. He might have seen my ” button” but didn’t yet understand what my weakness was in it.

When this happens, ask yourself: are they usually empathetic towards others? Do they feel and associate with your pain, hurt, or disappointments with tears? Do they always soften when they see you are hurting, and stay soft until they see you fully restored? Do they avoid saying or doing things that will hurt others? Do they quickly sincerely apologize when they say something that is out of line, and make necessary changes with all people?

If they do not, they are not “sensitive” and in need of rescuing. The tears are most likely:

  1.  to get you to react, to **open up to share softly how you feel instead of blasting them ( remember they saw your button pushed- you reacted negatively and they didn’t know your weakness to get you to stand down),
  2. to comfort them when they are in danger of being scolded by you and they don’t yet know how to manage you in that area.

An example might be they were taken by surprise ( the Master’s tactic above ) that you reacted very angry about something they thought they had you convinced about.

Ask yourself: Did I get very angry and blow up about something they said or did, and then I saw Victim cry and seek my help?

In this case, you will almost always see tears and a cry for help. The “what should I, or we do” makes you talk so you feel heard, validated, and calm yourself down.

You will come to recognize that they do not open up and talk as much as you do. They are gathering your point of power to use it against you later. For now, you are satisfied and the potential crisis was avoided simply by you feeling validated, understood, and heard.

You feel so good because they asked you what to do. You had the answer and they took it in. At the end, you were no longer upset and they didn’t do anything.  Another version of this without tears is ” what can I do” or ” do you want to go to counseling”. This is the same question. It is asking you to come up with a solution. You work it out in your head, you provide the solution, and you end up smoothing everything over, reassuring yourself and them that everything will one day be ok. 

I went on for 3 years of the 5 until I realized I was the one doing the talking and nothing changed. I talked, he cried and listened, I felt better, repeat.

Victim comes in three forms:

  • They suffer and you are the knight or dame

Please won’t you, or I can’t believe you can’t, don’t, or won’t: care, love, see, listen to, trust, believe in, understand, help me. You know I’m a better person because of you. What will I do? What are we going to do?  and


  • You are the cause of their suffering.

You just don’t understand. I’m trying so hard. After all, I’ve done, you don’t appreciate me. When will it be enough? Won’t you give me any credit?  What are we going to do? But I count on you. You know I need you. You are overreacting. You are so emotional. You are over-sensitive. I can’t talk to you when you are this emotional, or when you are like this. It’s your fault. You didn’t even thank me/ appreciate that I did ( for something you didn’t want). You get unreasonable. You (get) hard to live with. I can’t be better if you don’t tell me. Whose fault is it? Why would you hurt me like this? You know I love you. You know I think you are pretty. You know I care about you. You know I support you. It’s not all about you. It always has to be your way. You don’t understand what I’m going through/ the pressure I’m under. I can’t talk to you (when you are like this).  

Ask yourself: did I make really good decisions and have great instincts before I met my significant other? Did I handle other people kindly, with compassion and strength before I met my significant other? Was I able to read people pretty well before I met them?

  • They give you false hope.

They will say something that is meaningful to you will take place: you will do this or will go there, they will help you ( or help an important person in your life),

or will say: of course, we will get together or go out with this person that you like that is important to you.

When it doesn’t happen, it is not their fault. Eventually, you will learn not to get your hopes up and you will stop asking or expecting it. They had a really good reason, and you or your friends and family should be thankful for what they do.

There are two reasons why they will occasionally ( and usually not with altruistic enthusiasm) do things for others:


  1. so they can point to it to prove they do what they say and go out of their way to help others but are misunderstood or the victim of others wanting too much from them when they are giving everything and no one is entitled to their time, attention and resources;
  2. so others are indebted to them.

“Entitled” is a keyword. You will hear the victim say. ” THEY” ( the other person) are not entitled to ____ from me/us. and they may justify it with ” one thing has nothing to do with the other” when the topic of reciprocity is the case.

If you watch closely, you will find the victim believes they are entitled to a lot; including appreciation even when they do something that the other person didn’t want them to do. The victim also will be put out that others don’t take their advice– this is the entitlement of admiration and appreciation. The victim is entitled, others are not. 



The goal is to emotionally invalidate you. You will come to believe that you can not leave because you can’t function or take care of yourself, or no one else will love you, or you won’t have what you wanted in life if you leave because you are so far behind your goals.

I understand you can’t and don’t believe me. I stayed for 5 years. I am very intelligent, and I stayed anyway. People will pull away. Know this. Behind your back, other people are saying: ” well, she’s smart, she will eventually figure this out, eventually she will see it. Just today a Pastor assured me that other good-minded people will not say anything, they will not think it their place. Instead, they might say,  ” she must like being treated that way. If she didn’t she would leave”  They have absolutely no idea that the dots are invisible to you! They have no idea that you are confused about how you got here, and are trying your very very best to do the right thing because you are strong and loving, and abundant in every way.

People will not say anything to you. They don’t want to offend you or get involved. The people who would get involved and rescue you were the first to be pushed away. The people that are left will watch and wonder what is wrong with you that you are staying and being treated like this THEY EITHER WON’T or WILL STOP SAY ANYTHING TO YOU. 

You will eventually doubt yourself , not know what you think and start believing instead only what your significant other thinks of you, or tells you what to think or feel. It will start that you don’t know what you think but will pretend that everything is ok, until you can figure it out. I’m so sorry to say this. But I know because it happened to me. I know eventually, you will not know yourself. And you will think that you are crazy because no one is saying anything, and your significant other is nice around other people and other people seem to like him. And you will believe that no one will believe in you. Because you believe Silence is agreement and the people who would say something ( your best friends and family) are gone… know they are waiting for you. Know they love you and you are lovable!Know the pattern of the invisible dots. 

“Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.” – Joyce Brothers


Other people don’t stay.

Other people aren’t as determined, mentally strong, or giving as you. They demand respect first and foremost. And they will only put someone’s needs ahead of their own needs if that person is respectful of others at all times.

Maybe you believe that you have to put someone else’s needs ahead of your own if they aren’t respectful. You do not. You deserve more respect.

You deserve to be wrong, and not do things right, and to have it overlooked, over and over again. And your relationships with people deserve respect. 


You can not point out these dots, reason with your significant other, and everything be ok. IT WON’T BE.

If you point these invisible dots out, they will come back at you and be used as weapons against you. Stay quiet. Once you see them, keep a mental record quietly test to see if it is true.

It is ok that you didn’t see them. Your reality was true. You love them, they love you. But Love with these invisible dots will harm you. Real Love is restorative. Real Love uplifts and encourages you. Real Love fills you with inner peace. You deserve Real love. You are not a fool to love them. But we don’t always get to have what we love. There are Some things, and people, we can not have even if we love them because they harm us. Like sweets to a diabetic.

If these invisible dots are there, your significant other is only able to love in a controlling manner.

They use subtle emotional manipulation to control and ( they believe) ensure a stable, secure, loving relationship for themselves and you. I don’t care what reason they give you for being this way. They can not change. They love you. Their love is not restorative. It does not uplift and encourage you.

It will not end with you being filled with inner peace and self-confidence. Please trust me on this. You deserve Real love.

The question you have to ask yourself is ” How much more of me do I want to lose, before I leave. 

You are not the first.
You are with invisible dots because someone else left them.

You heard the story of their prior breakup when you first met them. Now that you have experience with your significant other, let’s revisit it.

Ask yourself: Were they in an intimate relationship with someone they referred to as ” a best friend”  before you? Did that ” best friend” severely break their heart because they wouldn’t follow their lead, or take their advice? Did your significant other leave that relationship devastated over it? These people tend to seem to wear their heart on their sleeves and to be very sensitive to “heartbreak” when they are “rejected”, or their advice is not taken. You will empathize with them to build them up.

Do I have evidence that my significant other typically has close heartfelt relationships where they are sensitive to others’ needs, wear their heart on their sleeve, are transparent, open and vulnerable to others, rushing to tend to others’ needs, putting others wellbeing first, always the first to stand up for what’s right, or sign up to help and desire to be helpful to others ( especially family or friends)? Do they do small secretive gestures to be kind?

Or do they most of the time tend to not care what other people think about them, other people’s needs aggravate or frustrate them, they act put out when they have to do something for someone, talk in a condescending manner at times, or refuse to answer or deflect questions, get upset when people don’t take their advice, wish others understood how right they are, feel overlooked? 




101 or LESS

Here is the harsh reality: Pick an age that you think you might die really old. 101.
Subtract your current age. 
Multiply by 365
Multiply by 16 ( the number of hours a day that you are not sleeping.
That is the number of waking hours of waking life you have left. How do you want to live?

If you are 25: the number of waking hours until you are one hundred and one is 443,840
If you are 50: the number of waking hours until you are one hundred and one is 221,920


You will have to leave this planet one day. I know right now you can’t imagine your significant other not being in your life.

I know you don’t know how you would live without them.

I understand.

Right before you die, you will wonder what you did with YOUR ONE LIFE. Make it count for you. I am not saying be selfish. I am saying BE SELF. PROTECT YOURSELF like you protect and defend others.

If there are invisible dots in you life, I wish I had an answer for you to get away from them other than leave. If you can, please leave when you first notice that you don’t know, aren’t sure, or questioning what is going on, or what you did that was wrong. The more they can confuse you, the easier it becomes to make you bend to their will.

Please remember: You are the kind, generous, smart, fun, lovable one. Other people would leave. 

It is not a failure to leave. It is self-preservation for yourself and your family. Love is restorative. You deserve Love. You expected and anticipated love. This is not what you agreed to. You have been blindsided

Contracts and agreements entered into by fraud, misrepresented information are voidable.



The fact that you ARE doubting and not sure is a clear sign. You used to be certain of things.

There will NEVER be a day that you are sure. There will NEVER be a day that you won’t doubt. 
Remember- you are the one that is lovable, strong, capable, you can handle things. The fact that you are not sure what is going on and what happened and that you aren’t sure if you can trust your family, or friends… that is all the proof you need that the dots are there, but invisible. 

Couples therapy will not help, but will harm you.  



  • your significant other is respectful to, and of, your friends and family. 
  • you are encouraged to spend alone time with your friends and family without him around and he is happy about it.
  • your significant other respects you and wants you to be the same person you were towards your friends and family that you were before you met him